(Praise Church is lively, Spirit-filled, non-denominational, Bible-based, caring, and multiracial)
Can I ever remember a time when I didn’t believe in God? Not really, but I was no Christian. I went to a church secondary school, but somehow the real meaning and implications of what Jesus did for me didn’t register, in fact I can’t even remember it ever being explained. I was a confused child though. My brother died when I was 7 and I was suddenly plunged into a world of loneliness and intense sorrow. The death of my brother had a knock on effect on everybody and as those around me struggled to come to terms with their grief, I became, as it seemed to me, invisible. My mum was frequently in and out of hospital, leaving me dreadfully insecure, afraid and craving attention. As such the good little girl that I once had been, began to rebel, negative attention was better than none, and I was screaming out to be seen.
My bad behaviour culminated as an early teenager when my older sister was involved in a very serious car accident and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My being invisible was further reinforced. Around this time I developed obsessive compulsive disorder. I bargained with an invisible force that if I did everything it said, that my family would be kept safe. Instead of reaching out to God, a God who I felt at that time hated me almost as much as I hated Him, I reached out for what I thought was an element of control.
Many incidents in my teenage years fed my feelings of unworthiness, immense anger, sadness and isolation. I longed to feel loved and wanted, loved for who I was, not just when I did something well. However, events around me meant that attention was never forthcoming, there was always one crisis after another. As a result my teenage years were not good ones.
Craving affection, I reached out to people who left me feeling more bereft and empty than I did before. After setting myself up for rejection time and time again, at 15 I allowed myself to trust in somebody, but devastatingly, he too eventually let me down. My self confidence was rock bottom. I began to dabble in drugs, take unnecessary risks and to rebel as much as I possibly could. When I was 17 I met somebody whom I was to spend the next 7 years living with. He was as insecure as me and continued to feed my own insecurities in order to live with his own. We were engaged to be married but luckily God had other ideas and put a real desire in my heart to get out of a relationship that I knew wasn’t right. Of course I didn’t know at the time that it was God, but in retrospect the feeling was so strong and I was courageous in ways I never thought I could be.
At 24, after 7 years of existing, not living I found myself single. For a year I lived a pretty promiscuous, reckless lifestyle, searching for somebody to fill the void. During this time I met John who was to become my husband 8 years later. I fell in love with him quickly but my past had left me scarred and deeply insecure. Our relationship was turbulent to say the least. I spent most of my time feeling exhausted from the constant arguing and persistent worry that he would betray me, but despite the pain we inflicted on one another, we loved each other deeply. My real battle was with the lie that was planted deep within me, which was, if your Mum didn’t love you how can you expect anybody else to. I began to have counselling in an attempt to curb the often uncontrollable anger inside of me. But no amount of counselling could heal scars that ran too deep and break down the barriers that I had erected in order to protect myself.
During the first few years of my relationship with John I took a job in London and met a girl named Pauline. We got on well and I respected her. I always knew she would be significant in my life and indeed she was. Just as we got to know each other better Pauline was to go to live in South Africa with her husband. We promised to keep in touch, and we did. She wrote to me regularly, during which time she began to tell of her renewed faith in God. I was not interested. I was glad she was happy but I was not going to be persuaded. God however had other plans! As she prayed for me, my heart was softened. I found myself buying a bible, even though when I tried reading it I thought it was so irrelevant it defied belief! Just before a trip to South Africa I was looking out for some Christian books to take to Pauline when I came across Purpose Driven Life. I didn’t buy it at that time, but on seeing the transformation that had taken place in my friend my interest was heightened. I began to ask questions, which she answered honestly and in a way that I nearly grasped. She was the first Christian in my life who emulated Jesus. I was impressed that she didn’t judge people, that she was seeking to live as Jesus would, that she seemed so happy and peaceful. I wanted that.
On our return to the UK, Purpose Driven Life came to my attention again, and this time I bought it. As I journeyed through the book everything became crystal clear, like the missing piece of the jigsaw was finally in place. I suddenly realised it was not all about me, but all about Jesus. With absolute clarity I understood and offered my life to God. And there took a remarkable change inside of me. The hurt and pain of my past almost disappeared overnight and the insecurity of feeling that John would one day leave me seemed irrational. For the first time in over 24 years I felt like I was really living again. I was 31 and my life was just beginning.
During the last 7 years my life has changed so much. God is as much a part of my day as the air that I breathe. He has revealed so much to me, done so much for me and I have so much to be thankful for. I have overcome fears that I never thought possible, because God is faithful. I’m excited when He speaks to me in His still, small voice and when I act in faith on it and see Him faithfully come through again and again. I know God has so much more for me, every day brings a revelation and the more time I devote to knowing the God who is now my friend, the more I am transformed into His image. The Lord has given me a peace that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
I look back on my life before I became a Christian and it seems like a distant memory, almost like it never happened, and yet it is not even 7 years ago. God promises to redeem our lost years and to give us back tenfold, and He certainly has. He doesn’t promise us a life without troubles, otherwise everyone in the world would be a Christian, but He does promise ‘never to leave us or to forsake us’. I’ve experienced my fair share of sadness in the last 7 years, most notably my dad dying and also not being able to have children, but God has seen me through and given me the grace to deal with both in a way I never thought possible – with complete peace.
Jesus offers His comfort and peace to everybody who puts their trust in Him – it doesn’t matter what you have done or where you are from, He loves you and He knows you. Praying the following prayer, and meaning it, means that you never have to fear again because God will guide you and you have reassurance that when you leave this earth you will be headed straight for heaven. What have you got to lose...
God, forgive me for all the wrong things I’ve done in my life. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died in my place, taking upon Himself the sins of the world, and offering Himself as the ultimate sacrifice once and for all. I offer my life to You and ask that You fill me with Your Holy Spirit and guide me all the days of my life. Thank You Jesus. Amen.